In 2016, the post-hardcore band Touché Amoré released their fourth album, Stage Four, which explores lead singer Jeremy Bolm’s emotions, experiences, and grief over the death of his mother from cancer. It is a brutal, honest record that does not pull any punches. It is a record about death, confusion, grief–but also hope, and finding peace.
I have been living with diagnosed bipolar disorder for about 12 years now, and the one thing I have learned about myself is that I don’t process emotion through tears. Where many people get choked up and cry, I am relatively stoic, emotionless, and almost unfeeling. I don’t think that has to do with some deep, inherent flaw within myself, but rather that I process emotion in a different way. Now, that is not to say that I have never cried or that I have no emotion, because you can interact with me for about 12 seconds and figure out that simply isn’t true; however, I think for me that my emotional expression helps me to understand the world in a different way. After all, everyone experiences life differently, and experiences shape who we are as people.
General consensus in the media we consume – movies, television, podcasts, fiction, non-fiction, and so on – and the prevailing wisdom is that vulnerability is a weakness and can be exploited by less-than-savory people. And yet, time and time again, in that same media and with that same wisdom, there are stories that just hit you differently because of the vulnerability and openness that people share with the world.
Take, for example, the story of Keanon Lowe. A former wide receiver in college and coach in the NFL, the now head coach of Parkrose High School in Portland, Oregon made headlines after disarming a potential school shooter with a hug. His incredible story is told in this video, which does far more justice than I could.
Towards the end, the interviewer states, “You could’ve died.” He responds, simply, “Yeah. That wasn’t my time though.”
There aren’t many times that I find myself moved emotionally by stories such as that. But for some reason, that story, that response, it struck a chord with me. Keanon did not think about himself at all in that situation. He stepped up to the plate with an attitude of calm and put himself in the most vulnerable position – in between a gun and a classroom.
His words regarding the incident are simple: “I think he needed a hug more than he needed to be tackled.” And that’s true. Meeting violence with violence solves nothing.
I’ve been open about my struggles with mental illness for about 12 years now. I was diagnosed as a teenager, right around my sophomore year of high school, and I didn’t know any better than to be very open about it. I wasn’t the most popular person but I could get along with people and I wasn’t made fun of too much for it.
Luckily, I had a few friends, teachers, mentors, and leaders in my life who, while they may not have understood my struggles, were at least compassionate and kind when they needed to be, but also called me out on my nonsense when I needed it.
I’ll admit–it is not easy to be vulnerable. It is not easy to put yourself into a situation in which you can very easily be taken advantage of, or worse. But, I think that it is a solution to a lot of the ills in the world today. We read on the news about men who abuse their spouses and families, who murder their wife and children and then turn the gun on themselves. We hear constant stories of sexual assault and misdeeds in high-ranking and popular men. Sadly, a lot of these acts have not seen justice and the men who perpetrated them walk free.
I think that it can be very hard to learn to be vulnerable. Men, mostly, are used to hearing “man up” and “control yourself” and “don’t show emotion” because society at large sees emotion as a weakness, and men are conditioned to not show weakness. I would submit, however, that more of us need to be like Keanon Lowe–willing to put ourselves in harm’s way, literally, in order to assist those who need our help.
I like to try and challenge my students and those I work with at church to be better. Often times, young men know better, but they don’t have anyone encouraging them to do the right thing, or take the high road. I will say, however, that the young men I have met in my life are far beyond where I was when I was their age. While immaturity and stupid jokes will always be a part of the growing process of young men, I am constantly amazed at their ability to be serious when there is a need.
Vulnerability, like all other emotional traits, has to be developed and must be cultivated. While it is sometimes not advisable to be vulnerable, I would submit that more often than not, allowing yourself to be vulnerable will open up new windows of understanding and empathy with those around you and yourself.
Nate Livsey 