A couple days ago I stumbled upon this tweet:
Now, I have not experienced the loss of an immediate parent. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of times my father ever raised his voice at me and when I did not know where he was or could not immediately reach him. I’ve called my dad almost daily since I turned 12. For me to say that I don’t completely understand where Mr. Torrens (a Canadian actor who portrayed J-Roc in Trailer Park Boys) is coming from would be an understatement. However, I have witnessed in my own life various instances of ‘filling the gap’ as he puts it, and I would like to expound on those experiences.
The first is this: when my family moved to Jacksonville in 2003, we immediately became ingratiated with the local LDS congregation our house was in the boundaries for – the Mandarin 1st Ward. I met many people over the years and had many formative experiences with the men, women, and other members of that congregation. One of those families I am still very close with – the Reading family. Wayne and Michelle were like second parents to me, in addition to being parents to their 5 boys. One of my very first times going to the Reading household with my dad, I saw Wayne’s car, which, to put it kindly, was literally held together with duct tape. I sort of scoffed and said, ‘Geez, why does he drive that?’ to which my dad simply replied, ‘That’s the kind of man Wayne is – he’d rather go without so that his family can have more.’
Recently, I met up with Wayne’s oldest son, Brady, while I was visiting Colorado Springs for an Ultimate Frisbee conference. Coincidentally, that’s the whitest sentence I’ve ever written (no offense intended, gentlemen). As we were eating dinner in an Irish pub in the mountains, Brady was telling me how the whole family got together to visit Utah and the second oldest Devin’s new baby boy. They went out to dinner, and Brady stole away from the table to tell the waitress that he would cover the meal and to put it all on his tab. The waitress simply laughed and said, ‘Oh, your dad took me aside 20 minutes ago and told me the same thing and that you would try and pay for the meal and to not let you.’
I started cackling and said, ‘that is Wayne Reading to a tee.’ And it’s true – in the almost 20 years I’ve known the man, that is how he lives his life.
Now, you may ask, how does that have anything to do with ‘filling the gap’? Well, perhaps consider this – I had plenty of positive male role models in my life, but many of them broadened my perspectives or opened my eyes to things I would not normally consider. Wayne taught me through his actions the virtue of selflessness and thinking of others.
My dad was called as the bishop of our congregation when I was 11 or 12. A bishop is essentially a pastor of a congregation and the spiritual leader, and will deal with things like sin or transgression with members. A bishop will typically serve for 5-6 years and then be replaced. The calling is voluntary and non-paid, and the time commitment can be upwards of 30 hours a week. It can be a stress on not only the individual but that individual’s family.
There were many nights at Wednesday activities where someone would offer to take me home since my dad had to stay late, or would take me home from another meeting because he had additional meetings afterward.
For example, one time after stake priesthood meeting, Rob Benson and Cameron Wilson drove me home because my dad had to stay after for some sort of interview or meeting. I was starving, and was excited by the proposition that these men were going to take me to dinner – boy, my 14 year old heart rejoiced at the thought of a free burger, maybe even a milkshake. Imagine my excitement when I was told that we were going to the hot new Indian restaurant Cilantro. Imagine my further excitement when, I, a 14 year old white kid whose diet consisted of soda, Bagel Bites, cereal, and frozen burritos, was going to be treated to a chicken korma – in Wilson’s words, ‘brother, you’re not gonna know what hit you.’
Sure didn’t, because I didn’t eat hardly any. What’s wrong with Wendy’s?
But that isn’t the point – aside from Rob Benson stifling laughter as he saw my face when the server placed an enormous plate of food in front of me that was not appetizing to young Nathan whatsoever. The point is that I was treated like a peer by these two men, discussing various facts of life, laughing, and enjoying time with men who had experience that I could not gather for myself. They filled the gap.
Finally, let me talk about Mister Palmer. Michael was my Yearbook advisor, Brain Brawl coach, ad hoc senior English teacher, and is one of my very good friends. I was the copy editor for the yearbook senior year, and he taught me many things regarding grammar, writing, and design. As my Brain Brawl coach, he taught me the value of knowledge and how it can be cool to be smart. As my ad hoc senior English teacher, he taught me of different authors, books, literature, and theory that I wouldn’t be exposed to otherwise. He also allowed me to be an aide for his class when I was flunking AP Calculus. But one of the most important things he taught me had nothing to do with scholarly pursuits. It had to do with how I interacted with people.
I was an awkward child, a weird teenager, and I’ve only somewhat tempered those traits with time and maturity (or what little I possess). I would say the wrong thing, or not do the right thing, or not think through my actions. Friends could call me out on my nonsense, but the real way to change my outlook and behavior was when I felt extreme disappointment from someone I admired. I knew I messed up when Wayne Reading, or Cameron Wilson, or Michael Palmer, or any other number of ‘dads’ were disappointed in me. Mister Palmer knew me outside of church and in school, and I remember him calling me out on my nonsense more than once. I might get a little too heated or energetic, and he would give me a stern look and I’d know I’d crossed a line. It was Mister Palmer who shook my hand and congratulated me when I told him I got into college. In a way, I valued that more than my mom or dad congratulating me – after all, aren’t they supposed to do that? Sure, it’s nice to feel appreciated and important, but when you are told ‘well done’ by someone you admire? Well, that just about beats it all. In a literal sense, Mister Palmer filled the gap that my parents couldn’t because they didn’t see me at school. Mister Palmer did, and I am all the more better for it.
I haven’t lost a parent, nor have I had to deal with difficult circumstances growing up. In fact, I probably had the opposite experience because of the grief both my parents had to go through growing up. I always had food, a warm place to sleep, kindness and love, and a peaceful home. I never lacked for pretty much anything. However, the things that my parents couldn’t provide because of their experiences, worldview, or inability to be with me 24/7 were provided for by excellent people around me who were able to fill the gaps in my foundation, and were able to teach me things that I would never be able to learn by myself.
So even if it is as simple as tying a child’s skates, or volunteering as a coach on a soccer team, or staying late to pick up trash after everyone has gone, I can guarantee you that 1) you are teaching someone a little bit more about love, patience, compassion, and all the other virtues and that 2) someone sees your actions, good or bad, and learns a little bit more about how they want to exist in the world.
Nate Livsey 