I am not a very outwardly emotional person. I am loud, and I like to be funny, but I am not great at being vulnerable and expressing my emotions to others. Most often, when I do express my emotions, they are through the guise of self-deprecating humor. There are a lot of reasons why I do this, but it’s something I want to work on changing about myself in this year. Yesterday, I drove down to Orlando to see one of my favorite bands, Foxing, perform as part of their 10-year anniversary tour of their first album. It was amazing.
Doors opened at 5:30, but I didn’t get home until midnight because the show lasted from about 6:30 to 10:15. Three acts, two of which played their debut albums in their entirety. Foxing is one of my favorite bands for many reasons, and chief among them is their 3rd full release, Nearer My God. Taking cues from the traditional Christian hymn, it is a breathtaking record. I have listened to it countless times. I have listened to the title track countless times. As they performed it last night, something I have not done in a long time happened.
I wept.
While a bunch of dudes were moshing behind me and flailing around, I was sobbing.
I joke around often that I can’t cry because I’m deeply, emotionally broken. I don’t know if that’s true, or if I’m medicated to the point of it being difficult to cry, but it is generally very hard for me to cry. Granted, I feel sad or angry, I just don’t usually show it outwardly. Last night, though, was different. This song came into my life at a time where I was really struggling. I was living in Middleburg and I ended up attempting to die by suicide. I also had repetitive invasive thoughts of vivid suicidal imagery and was not doing well. Through it all, I listened to Nearer My God.
Now, there is definitely a connection between my emotions at that time and that song. Do I relate the two? Absolutely. I don’t think there’s any way I couldn’t. But hearing that song live last night, in person, was something different. I felt better. I wasn’t in that same emotional headspace. I wasn’t suicidal or depressed. I’ve been pretty great for a long time in terms of my mental health. But the emotional release I got from listening to that song live was immense.
Immense, and needed. I absolutely needed it. I didn’t think I’d be crying in the club, but here I was, weeping with my face in my hands trying not to be embarrassed. But there I was. I was vulnerable, and something I’m grateful for is that no one around me made fun of me. I doubt many were looking at me, but I still felt like a part of the community of this band and their rabid fan base. Even if I felt like the Jaguars’ O-line by constantly being pushed around, I felt good.
A lot has changed in my life since I had two separate psychiatric hospitalizations. I’ve become a father. I’ve grown and strengthened my relationship with my wife. I’ve started a new job, gained more responsibility in my church callings, and generally grown up. So I think last night was a way for me to recognize that, and come to terms with it, and view it as a challenge to keep going and getting better every day.
Who knows? Maybe in 10 years I’ll look back and see myriad changes for the better because I took the time to listen to Foxing.
Nate Livsey 